How to handle a child’s oppositional phase?

During their development, your child may go through periods when they oppose rules or adult requests more strongly. Refusals, tantrums, or repeated “no’s” can then shape daily life and put you to the test. Why do oppositional outbursts occur? How should you respond, and when should you be concerned? Let’s take a closer look.

What is an oppositional phase in children?

An oppositional phase refers to a time when your child systematically resists instructions. During childhood, especially between 18 months and 3 years, your child goes through stages where they seek to differentiate themselves from adults, test boundaries, and assert their personality. This need for autonomy is completely natural, and it is a constructive phase that helps them grow. It’s the stage of independence. Your child wants “to do everything by themselves”, sometimes refuses adult help, and often says “no.” They are not opposing out of pure defiance, but because they are building their identity. These outbursts may show up as:

• refusal to obey or cooperate,
• sudden and intense tantrums,
• repeated negotiations or provocations,
• a tendency to say “no” systematically,
• impulsivity and difficulty handling frustration.

These behaviors are common, especially when your child has not yet fully mastered language or feels overwhelmed by their emotions. Their mood may seem unstable, with reactions that may appear disproportionate to you. Want to learn more? Feel free to download the May app, where you’ll find plenty of resources to support and guide you throughout your journey as a new parent.

Oppositional phase in children: how should you respond?

Oppositional outbursts are part of a child’s development and can be unsettling. In these intense moments, certain parenting approaches can help calm the situation and support your child in managing their emotions, while other reactions may actually make things worse.

Parenting approaches to prioritize during an oppositional outburst

Adopting a calm and supportive attitude is essential to defuse outbursts and guide your child. Here are some practical recommendations:

• Stay calm: even if aggression or shouting escalates, your calmness is an anchor for your child. Speak softly whenever possible. Remember: power struggles are often triggered by an adult losing patience.
• Name and validate the emotion: help your child put words to what they are feeling (“I see that you’re angry, this is hard for you”). This helps them feel understood and supported.
• Provide a clear and reassuring framework: rules should remain consistent and known to your child. A kind but firm structure reassures them and limits agitation.
• Offer limited choices: giving your child a sense of control helps reduce confrontation and respects their need for autonomy. For example, let them choose between two outfits.
• Support without judging: remember that your child does not yet have the maturity to regulate their emotions on their own.
• Maintain a caring presence: stay close, available, and comforting. Your voice and attitude are essential reference points for your child.
• Get down to their level: during an oppositional outburst, remember to position yourself at your child’s level.

Common mistakes to avoid during an oppositional outburst

On the other hand, certain reactions, although instinctive, may amplify the outburst or reinforce aggressive behaviors. Here are some pitfalls to avoid:

• Yelling or threatening: raising your voice or making repeated threats only increases tension and agitation. It can worsen behavioral issues and harm your relationship.
• Shaming or comparing: hurtful remarks (“you’re mean,” “look at your brother”) damage self-esteem and increase anxiety or aggression.
• Ignoring or minimizing the emotion: saying “it’s nothing” or “it’s not a big deal” denies your child’s feelings, which may intensify their anger.
• Lack of attention or availability: if your child is seeking attention, they may increase outbursts to get your attention.

Child oppositional phase: when should you worry and seek help?

Certain signs should raise concern and prompt you to seek advice, especially if the outbursts become difficult to manage daily or are accompanied by other issues. While oppositional behavior is part of normal child development, it’s important to identify when it goes beyond the usual framework. Here are the main signs that should encourage you to seek professional advice:

• Very frequent, long, or intense outbursts that occur daily or several times a week, with no real calm periods.
• Marked aggression, physical or verbal, toward family members or peers. These behaviors may put your child or others at risk.
• Associated behavioral issues: destruction of objects, repeated lying, stealing, or other risky behaviors should alert you.
• Difficulty calming your child despite appropriate parenting strategies.
• Highly unstable mood, with sudden shifts from joy to anger or sadness.
• Signs of anxiety, isolation, persistent sadness, or emotional difficulties that last over time.
• Impact on family, school, or social life.
• Suspicion of a syndrome or underlying disorder: oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), ADHD, anxiety disorders, etc.

It can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between normal oppositional behavior—linked to development and self-assertion—and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), which falls under psychiatry and requires specific attention. Child psychiatry professionals can provide an accurate diagnosis and suggest appropriate solutions to help your child. Don’t hesitate to seek help to support your child and preserve family balance. In summary, oppositional outbursts are an integral part of many children’s development. Although they can be challenging on a daily basis, they reflect a need for autonomy, self-assertion, and a still-developing ability to manage emotions. By adopting a calm, supportive, and structured approach, you help your child gradually learn to express their needs and better regulate their emotions. ** Photo credits: nd3000 | sarawut20003 This text was translated from French by an artificial intelligence. The information, advice, and sources it contains comply with French standards and may therefore not apply to your situation. Make sure to complement this reading by visiting the May US/UK app and consulting the healthcare professionals who are supporting you.