Pregnancy Timeline
–
Perinatal grief is an event that brings mourning to parents and their loved ones. To get through this tragedy, the key is not to feel obliged to remain silent and to be able to talk, if desired, about this “invisible” grief.
What is perinatal grief?
Perinatal grief is the loss of a fetus in utero or of an infant. This painful loss impacts the real and emotional life of parents as well as that of their already-born children (or future children if they plan to have them).
The pain felt is not proportional to the stage of pregnancy. Parents form attachment bonds with the unborn child, sometimes even before conception. That is why the loss of a child often requires psychological support.
How to support someone going through perinatal grief?
Parents who lose a child describe a deep feeling of loneliness and even stigma: they often feel they are not allowed to talk about their lost child, that it “disturbs” or is minimized. In short, talking about the loss of a baby during pregnancy or just after birth is still a taboo subject. Yet, the key to moving forward is precisely to break this silence.
Those around them may say inappropriate things while trying to help, such as: “you’ll have other children” or “you didn’t even know them.” Avoid these kinds of phrases at all costs, as they suggest that the child could be replaced—which is not true.
To support someone experiencing perinatal grief, it is important to listen and show that you are there for them if they need it. Simply feeling supported is of great help.
You can also offer resources on perinatal grief. May has selected the best resources to help grieving parents. Here are a few:
Instagram accounts
- @parlez_moidelle: raising awareness about perinatal grief.
- @mespresquesrien: raising awareness about stopped pregnancies.
- @a_nos_etoiles: miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, stillbirth, abortion, ectopic pregnancy.
- @aurevoir.podcast: testimonies and interviews to raise awareness about perinatal grief.
Podcasts
- Au revoir podcast: dedicated to perinatal grief.
- Le tourbillon podcast: about real motherhood (episode 09 Anne-Solange: fertility treatments and perinatal grief, episode 31 Marie-Adeline: a triple perinatal grief, 57 Mathilde: my repeated miscarriages…).
- Luna podcast: the podcast of alternative motherhood paths (episode 01: perinatal grief).
Books
- Traverser l’épreuve d’une grossesse interrompue, Josette Lyon editions, Nathalie Lancelin-Huin.
- Quel âge aurait-il aujourd’hui?, Fayard editions, Stéphane Clerget.
- Je n’ai pas dit au revoir à mon bébé, Quasar editions, Catherine Radet.
➕ Others
- The drawings of Korrig’Anne (@korriganne.illustration): illustrator of families, author of comics focused on parenthood.
- Dans ces moments-là: the website of the book of the same name offering many resources (articles, videos, music, etc.).
Other resources can be found on the May app. You can also ask May’s experts, available 7 days a week from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.
Sadly, the management of perinatal grief is still far from satisfactory today. It can be very helpful to recommend psychological follow-up by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist. Such an ordeal can affect mental health and lead to depression.
Are there support groups to better cope with perinatal grief?
One thing is certain: it is possible to find support when facing the terrible ordeal of losing a child. Maybe not always within close circles, but you can always count on support groups. Here is a list of associations that help with perinatal grief, notably by organizing support groups:
- Agapa: giving everyone the chance to speak and be heard after a pregnancy that did not reach term.
- SPAMA: Palliative Care and Maternity Support.
- Naître et vivre: association for preventing sudden infant death, supporting bereaved parents, and promoting research.
- Petite Emilie: for those facing a termination for medical reasons and perinatal grief.
Do not hesitate to visit their websites and social media pages; these associations can be a precious help to grieving parents.
How to talk about perinatal grief with other children in the family?
The deceased child has a place in the siblings, whether older or younger (called a rainbow child). The already present children also experience this grief and need support. They must not be excluded from this event because it is considered taboo.
The child born after has not experienced the grief directly but carries it in their prenatal memory. It is also part of their story, lived inside their mother’s womb. They don’t “know” with words, but they feel with emotions.
It is important to tell them what happened. By recounting the story in their own words, parents structure their relationship with this child and their place in the family. Talking to the child, even young, even on a painful subject, is important. It also helps them understand they are not responsible for their parents’ sadness.
In all cases, this child has a place in the family, in the way each family chooses.
A photo, a memory box containing footprints, a comforter, or ultrasounds can be visible for the siblings and encourage emotional expression.
You can also offer books on the subject to your child. Here is our selection:
- Léa n’est pas là, Anne-Isabelle & David Arlyel.
- Je t’aimais déjà, Les 400 coups editions, Andrée-Anne Cyr and Bérangère Delaporte.
- Mon grand-frère des étoiles, Delphine Gonçalves.
- Maman m’a dit, Nats editions, Essia Morellon & Stéphanie Alastra.
Do not hesitate to download the May app for more book recommendations for children.
What are the statistics on perinatal grief?
20 to 25% of pregnancies result in a perinatal loss. This may be a spontaneous miscarriage in early pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons, or a stillbirth.
Testimonials from parents who have experienced perinatal grief
Testimonials are as beneficial as the resources mentioned above. They help better understand what someone is going through and show the reader they are not alone in this situation. Two mothers who experienced perinatal grief agreed to share their stories. Warning: if you have experienced perinatal grief and are not yet ready to read these highly emotional testimonies, feel free to return later.
Marie, mother of three, underwent a termination for medical reasons. She shares:
“My name is Marie, and I am a mother three times: of Gaétan, Gabriel (my star), and Valentine.
I became a mother for the first time in 2010. The birth of my first child went well.
For my second pregnancy, I got pregnant quickly, which delighted and reassured us.
At the second ultrasound, the ground collapsed beneath us. We discovered a brain malformation that left no doubt about the need for termination for medical reasons.
I gave birth vaginally, in April 2013, at 24 weeks, to a little boy weighing less than 800 grams, whom we named Gabriel to help him take flight.
I remember experiencing it professionally (I am a pediatric nurse and worked sixteen years in neonatal intensive care), as if to protect myself, to control what was happening, to know exactly what was being done, to cling to something and not collapse—but with much love, emotion, and sharing with the father.
I recall telling myself this birth would make me stronger. And I thought that this pain could later transform into strength to support other parents facing the same obstacle.
It so happened that during my pregnancy, both my sisters-in-law were also pregnant. When my nephews were born, it was hard to live through. I was so happy to become an aunt, but at the same time very sad my baby wasn’t there…
What makes us very proud, my partner and I, is how we managed to support our eldest through this family grief and how we overcame it together. We managed to support each other, listen, and move forward. I think my job and my knowledge of exactly what happens during a medical termination helped me. I had the resources needed to support us.
Of course, we made mistakes, doing what we could at times, but we are happy and at peace with how we included this baby in our family story.”
Julie, mother of three boys, also experienced a stopped pregnancy and shares the lack of consideration from others:
“I am Julie, mother of three boys. In 2014, I lost a baby girl who was stillborn due to multi-organ failure.
The nightmare began at the first ultrasound, and I underwent numerous invasive tests during my pregnancy. All this suffering, waiting for a diagnosis, only to be told at 7 months that she would not be viable and her life had to be ended.
With my partner, we got through thanks to our children, who gave us no choice but to keep hope alive.
I don’t remember the emotions during the following pregnancy. Maybe out of fear of suffering, even though I told myself misfortune couldn’t happen twice in a row.
I suffered from others’ lack of understanding and their failure to acknowledge our ongoing pain.”
To conclude, we want to convey this essential message: no matter how you go through this traumatic event, being alone should never be inevitable ❤️.
If you have any questions on the topic, feel free to download the May app, where you’ll find plenty of resources to support you.
–
Photo: Envato
This text was translated from French by an artificial intelligence. The information, advice, and sources it contains comply with French standards and may therefore not apply to your situation. Make sure to complement this reading by visiting the May US/UK app and consulting the healthcare professionals who are supporting you.
